At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
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hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.