At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
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I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
I am, perchance
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
My favorite female superhero
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now