Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it