Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
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It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I’m calling the cops.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.