When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
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Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.