Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
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The internet is full of many things
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
CUTE CAT‼︎
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me