Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
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i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.