The absolute effort that went into this omg
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Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.