[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
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Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now