Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet