Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Not recommended for beginners.
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I’m tired tomorrow.
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me