“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
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Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Body by Oreos
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.