One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
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If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful