What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
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I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.