—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.