*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
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ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
There is no try. There is only give up.
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.