Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
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If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!