“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.