bout dat hot dog summer
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In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Ugh but profoundly
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Oh boy, $150,000!
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!