You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
You Might Also Like
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.