When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
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Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework