Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
You Might Also Like
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.