Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You Might Also Like
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Childbirth is so beautiful
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces