why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
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I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Seems legit
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
The point of your 20s
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
stand with me against insufficient seating
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.