God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
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‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
I have a new favorite meme page
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Bring back the McRib
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
I’m having an out of money experience.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that