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Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.