Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.