If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
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telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Y’all ready for this
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college