I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
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Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!