(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
when someone compliments me
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…