My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Happy Star Wars day!
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.