FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.