The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
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Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
incredible book dedication
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.