I wish I were this cool š
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Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah heās here
Me: š³
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
šš¦
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Letās see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
When youāre too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say āwell itās a numbers gameā and watch everyone nod in agreement
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Made a pact w/ my wife that if weāre 40 & kids havenāt stopped whining, weāll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they canāt find us
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Iām sorry I created a ālegal situationā when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church itās called a pew
Just did that little side to side āoops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each otherās way arenāt we silly!ā dance with someone and she ended up saying āoh just move out the way! Idiotā
Thatās not in the rules!
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
I am crying
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself