If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
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If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’