If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
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Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
That de-escalated quickly
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.