im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.