*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
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Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle