I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
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Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
💯😂
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I know karate and tons of other words.