Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad