[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself