Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
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I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
DATE: so tell me something about yourself
ME: i am older than every dog
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW