Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
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*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
👾👾👾
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.