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*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Lucky old June.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes