nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
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During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
[my first cutaway on The Bachelorette] I can eat more roses than any of these guys
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.