CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
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Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
meanwhile over on facebook
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.