Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My kid wants to make a trap to catch rabbits from our yard for pets. I believe in supportive parenting, so I told her if she can catch them she can keep them, and then I told my husband that if he helps her the rabbits will be the only ones getting frisky
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.