Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Robber: [hands teller a note]
Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?
R: Yes, and hurry it up!
T: Why?
R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.
T:
R: How am I doing so far?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.