hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
🙂🐾
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.