9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
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3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆